Overcoming parent burnout, with Dr Kaylene Henderson

Tracey Challenor  

Acknowledgement to Country:

Life Education acknowledges the Kombumerri people of the Yugambeh Language area as the traditional custodians of the lands and waters on which this podcast is recorded and we pay our respects to the elders past and present.

Intro to podcast:

Parenting kids in today’s world can be challenging. We’re all in this together and on this Life Ed Podcast, I’ll be chatting with a variety of experts who share their wisdom and advice to help you raise the next generation well.

Tracey Challenor 

Hello, I’m Tracey Challenor. In this episode we’re going to explore parent burnout, which is something parents everywhere are probably familiar with. Now that the kids are back at school, we want to check in and see how you are faring as a busy parent. And with me is Dr. Kaylene Henderson, a child and adolescent psychiatrist who helps so many parents and educators through her amazing programs and who’s also a down-to-earth busy mum of three. Hi Kaylene, thank you for joining me.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Oh, hi Tracey. Thanks for the invite. It’s lovely to be here.

Tracey Challenor

It’s great to have you in our Life Ed Podcast studio. And I have to say, when I mentioned to people that I was going to be chatting to you about parent burnout, there was pretty much a universal reaction. I think it’s something a lot of people relate to, a lot of people, a lot of parents are feeling a lot of pressures at the moment and we’re going to chat about some of the reasons for that and hopefully come up with a few suggestions about how people can alleviate some of that burnout.

I guess as much as parenting has many highlights, we know that the demands of raising children can take their toll from time to time, and it’s pretty obvious that today’s parents have less downtime than previous generations of parents. A lot of different reasons for that. You’re a mum of three. Can you paint us a picture of why parenting is perhaps more challenging now?

Dr Kaylene Henderson

Yeah, I mean, I think it’s a great question. I think at the end of the day, the world is a different place from the world our parents parented in. It’s so different in so many ways. Affordable housing is one big noticeable difference.

Tracey Challenor 

Definitely.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Certainly, when I was a child, my parents had the opportunity for one of them to remain out of the paid workforce and kind of on as a stay-at-home parent for several years, and that is a luxury that most families can’t afford now. My parents also had the advantage of not being expected to be constantly connected, which meant that when they were not at work or having downtime with us, it was true downtime. They were present. There was no expectation that they could keep up with work emails also because emails weren’t a thing yet. And I think that plays into parenting a lot these days. When I think as a parent of three school aged children myself, even keeping up with emails from school, I would say is a full-time gig, let alone all the other expectations for us to remain socially and professionally connected while we’re otherwise at home with our children.

I mean, I think the other big difference now too is that I guess as parents, we can perceive the world as not being as safe a place as it once was either. I know when, so I’m one of six and there was a lot of downtime spent kind of just roaming around the neighbourhood, catching up with whichever neighbor’s kids were available to do whatever the heck we wanted, get up to all sorts of mischief and that’s not as much of a thing anymore.

 Tracey Challenor 

That’s what I remember too. I grew up in the seventies – carbon dating myself here – but it was a much more carefree time. And I know my parents were busy taking my brothers to sport and I did a lot of ballet, so we certainly had those commitments, but there seemed to be a lot more unstructured time just to hang out in the backyard and play in the cubby house and hang out with the neighbourhood kids. So, bring back the good old days in some ways. We do miss those things.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

I know, and I don’t think we can. A lot of that stuff is absolutely out of our control.

Tracey Challenor 

It’s gone forever.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

But funnily enough, when I imagine my own parents and how much they had to juggle, I imagine them kind of swimming most of the time. Occasionally when things got busy, maybe they’d tread water for a bit. But in contrast with the amount that we as parents have to juggle now or are somehow expected to be able to juggle, I find at best I’m treading water and some of the time I am downright drowning is how it feels. And I think that so many of those factors are beyond our control that it’s important to have conversations like this and figure out what we can do differently and how we can manage that.

Tracey Challenor 

Absolutely. I’m sure a lot of parents can relate to that analogy. Apparently 60% of parents don’t routinely do anything at all to relax and recharge. And this was from a survey by the Parenting Research Center of Victorian parents as they were coming out of the pandemic, but it really could apply to parents anywhere. And the key findings were quite startling. It said three and five parents don’t do anything to relax and reenergize; two in three said they don’t get enough sleep. I think we’ve all been there. And two in five feel tiredness gets in the way of being the kind of parent they want to be.

You work closely with parents and educators. Why is it so important that parents have that downtime or make time for self-care?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, look, it’s actually important for a few reasons. And can I just say, add a disclaimer here, I can absolutely relate to those stats. It’s not like I’m some sort of perfect parent who’s extremely refreshed and present and nailing it.

Tracey Challenor 

Well, you look refreshed today, I have to say.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Oh, that’s the beauty of makeup. No, I mean that person doesn’t exist and I’m certainly not positioning myself as that person. But when I was thinking about the importance of downtime, two things really struck me. One is it’s important for us because, well, for me personally, I did the maths on this and realised I’ve spent slightly over a third of my life now as a parent, and it is utterly unreasonable for me to expect that I can spend a third of my life without downtime that is just not reasonable for my wellbeing, for my mental health as myself as a human. It’s not reasonable for any of us to expect that of ourselves, but also it doesn’t do our children any favours if we don’t prioritise ourselves as well. There’s a risk for many of us that we prioritise our children above ourselves, and we provide our children with downtime.

And if we don’t also include ourselves in that mix, not only are we, I don’t know, not as able to be the parents, the kind of parents we want to be, but also I think it sends a bit of a risky message to our children if we say that, if we highlight for them that we are somehow a less significant family member, that we are less important in the team that is our family because I think then the way in which our children see us respond to us, respect us, there’s a whole lot of fallout that might come from that that is not going to make life easier or better for anyone.

Tracey Challenor 

Well, it really does benefit everyone, doesn’t it if the parent is well rested because how can you be sensitive to a child’s needs? How can you parent effectively if you don’t have that time to refill your cup as well? So, it’s vital. And the self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant. We’re not talking about booking into a day spa or even just –

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Tracey Challenor 

Or even just getting to a yoga class a couple of nights a week. Those things are lovely of course, but that can be too hard for many parents financially and logistically, especially single parents. Is it more about trying to get those simple everyday things, achievable things into your day, like mindfulness and stopping to take deep breaths? I know that’s easier said than done when you’ve got small children around you, but maybe chatting to a friend or having a short walk?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, absolutely. It’s just about being careful that the limited amount of time that you have to invest in yourself, because realistically it is limited, is spent doing things that are good for your soul and are not harmful. So, making sure it’s not reaching for the wine bottle, which is going to make you sleep worse and all sorts of other things. And doom scrolling on your phone, which I know many of us do, but they’re not things that are good for our souls. It’s going for a five-minute walk around the block or calling a friend rather than just making comments on their social media posts, for example.

Tracey Challenor 

Having a real conversation. How often do you find that now that you have this contact with friends that’s just on Instagram and you haven’t spoken to them for ages? Do you think Kaylene, that we also need to be able to ask for help more and not be worried about that? I know when I was a younger mum, I was perhaps a little bit too proud about asking for help. I wanted to come across as being a great mum and being able to juggle the workload, but there’s absolutely no shame in asking for help is there and saying, you know what? I’ve been run off my feet. I could really use some help and support right now.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Oh, definitely. And I think that’s why conversations like this are so important to really drum home to everybody that no one is nailing it. It would actually be impossible to be nailing it. There’s just too much. There’s too much on everyone’s to-do list. So, I think when everyone just accepts that no one is getting down to the depths of that to-do list and no one feels like they’re on top of things and we’re all just trying to do our best, tackling those things at the top of the list that we decide are our priorities, then there is absolutely no barrier then to asking for help. And there shouldn’t be. Of course, we need help. There’s just too much we’re expected to do otherwise.

Tracey Challenor 

Yeah, and it doesn’t mean you’re not a great parent.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Exactly.

Tracey Challenor 

I think in recent times there’s been that perfect storm of pressure on parents. For a start, the cost of nearly everything has gone up. Housing’s more expensive, fuel, medical bills, oh my goodness, food. And then there’s the juggle of work and family itself, which makes it just so hard, as you were saying, to get everything done. How do you navigate the work-life, juggle as a parent and deal with those pressures and manage the good old mum guilt when you’re feeling overwhelmed with deadlines?

Dr Kaylene Henderson  

Yeah, look, I’m just going to, again, add a disclaimer that I don’t always nail this. One of the things that I always do though when I know there’s a particularly busy patch coming up is I make a concerted effort to make sure I set aside time to move my body at least a few times a week. And that might just be a walk around the block, but I make sure that that is still part of my week, a preserved part of my week, and I make sure I prioritise sleep because if I don’t sleep, I’m rubbish. And I’m, as we call myself in that state in my household, the mayor of struggle town, and then those busy patches don’t go well anyway. So those things just have to be prioritised. And the other thing I do is have a conversation with my children and I say, hey guys, I’ve got a busy patch coming up.

I’m going to need your help with a bit more around here over the next couple of weeks. What can we divvy up a little bit differently over the next fortnight, three weeks, whatever it might be. But the other thing just in the background that I’ve learned to do regardless of whether this is an exceptionally busy time, or a just kind of normal level busy time is I’ve just learnt to focus on what I can control. We spoke about all those things we can’t control before. And the two things I can control are keeping the bar really low, really just not even putting any extra effort into things that are not a priority for me. So, things like cooking an elaborate dinner, that is not a thing. If I cook a spaghetti Bolognese, which is very rare because that involves multiple ingredients.

Tracey Challenor 

That would be advanced meal for me!

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

That is an advanced meal that I would be high fiving myself and calling myself an overachiever if I actually did that.

So that might happen maybe once a month. The rest of the time, if it’s a meal that can’t be cooked in under 10 minutes or single digit minutes, that’s what I’m looking for. And my parents, I’d like to thank my parents for this actually, because my parents had six children, albeit with fewer things that they were juggling like we spoke about before. But they did two things, which I can see now as a parent we’re really great. One is meals were very average like tinned corn on toast, eggs on toast, bowl of cereal. It really didn’t, as long as everyone was fed, well-nourished, that just wasn’t somewhere they were going to spend a lot of time. And so, I’ve absolutely carried that through, albeit also with zero cooking skills. And the other thing that I was thinking about that they used to do that we have also passed on now, and there’s no doubt my children are going to do this with their own families, is they also decided that there was no value in gift wrapping presents, which I find quite amusing.

But on people’s birthdays, we have this tradition in our family that we still have where the present would be popped up your shirt inside your shirt against your belly, and then you would all kind of go to the birthday person singing happy birthday, and they would choose who they were going to pick first for the gift, and then there would be this reveal from under your shirt.

Tracey Challenor 

I love that.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

And it’s so funny. That was normal for me as a child, and it’s normal for me even as a parent, but there was a little bit in between

Tracey Challenor

With six kids

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Where a few friends pointed out that wasn’t normal. But I just think that’s just another way that they saved time and didn’t invest time, energy, and money into where it actually doesn’t matter.

Tracey Challenor 

No, focus on the things that are really important and perfection, it’s overrated. And at the end of the day, it’s about the quality of those lovely relationships with the people you love and who love you back.

It does seem like there’s this unrealistic performative aspect to parenting though, especially with the filtered happy family stories on social media. And I wonder how much social media drives parent burnout by creating feelings of comparison or FOMO anxiety for parents. Not that we shouldn’t ever share any of the highlights, but it can turn into a bit of a parent brag fest. What’s your take on that social media influence?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, I look, I tend to stay off it myself personally for that reason. I am not going to jump on there and do the whole humble brag about things my children are doing.

Tracey Challenor 

Because you know they’re great.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

They are great; they’re awesome humans, and I’m immensely proud of them. But I don’t want to contribute to this notion that we should all,

Tracey Challenor 

If one person does it, then everyone feels like they have to do it. Every time they get a certificate. Should I share it, or no?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

I know. Pretend we’re nailing it. It does create the idea that you’re nailing it. And in the same way that I don’t share photos of all the dishes that are piled up in my sink because I don’t think everyone needs to see what happens in my house all the time.

Tracey Challenor 

Well, that’s the reality for most of us, isn’t it? Or piles of laundry.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Absolutely. But I understand. See, I am very fortunate, I think because I know I’m not perfect, and I’m completely okay with that because I also know that perfection is impossible and it would be unhelpful actually for our children, even if we pretended to be perfect. And I know that I can be imperfect and still a good parent.

Tracey Challenor 

Absolutely, yeah.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

And I suspect that some people who only post the humble brags, they might not have the same confidence that they can be not okay and not nailing it and still be a good parent. So perhaps they’re trying to prove that they’re a good parent, prove to themselves they’re a good parent. And honestly, I think if we just kind of took the pressure off and realised that being a good parent is mainly about, like you said, providing that quality early relationship with our children, being present with our children and hitting those, making sure you have those interactions with your children that don’t take long, but make the biggest impact. So, something like delight for example. So, delight is communicated nonverbally. It’s the way our eyes light up and our face lights up and the way our body turns towards someone when you’re with them and it communicates, I’m delighted that you exist. You haven’t had to do anything, say anything. I’m just delighted that you exist in my world.

Tracey Challenor 

And what a special gift to give to your child. Yeah, your son or daughter.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Absolutely. And the research shows us that being delighted in by someone who has hands is so important because we are in the eyes of our children. We’re the most important people on the planet. If they see that just by existing, they can make us light up, that’s what fuels their self-esteem development. And that is a gift for our children that takes a second, two seconds less than it takes to post something on social media, but it makes a huge impact.

Tracey Challenor 

So true. And I’m so glad you mentioned that notion of delight because there is a lot of delight in parenting. We do tend to focus, I think sometimes on the hard and challenging aspects, but it all goes so quickly. And my boys are now, well, they’re not boys anymore, they’re grown men. They’re 18 and 21. And I often look back at video clips when they were younger. I was looking at something the other day at the skateboard park, they were about six and nine, and it was just, I remember that day. It was just a beautiful bubble of joy. And they were racing past me, showing me their tricks, and the youngest one whizzed by and yelled out, I love you, mum. Those moments are just gold, aren’t they?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, they are. And I think we’ve got so much on our plates these days. We can miss those moments. Or we can be

Tracey Challenor 

Looking at our phone perhaps.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, trying to catch up on work emails while our children are occupied at the skate park. I mean, I think there’s a lot of moments like that where we could be sharing delight, sharing our genuine delight that our children do exist and contributing to their childhood memories, but we miss them because of that constant drive for connectivity. I think it is important to just reflect on if the to-do list is unachievably long, what is it that you want to keep at the top there? What’s the big priorities for you? And really just honing in on doing those things well.

Tracey Challenor 

Talking about social media, it can have a positive force. I saw a great meme on your Facebook page recently, which said: Please excuse the mess. Our standards have dropped with each child, which I just love. And it really took me back to when my boys were little, and I probably did try too hard to have a tidy house, but we do need to learn to let go of that perfectionism. We’ve talked about that a lot, embrace a bit of the chaos and the mess and the unpredictability that goes with younger children. Do you think as parents we need to be kinder to ourselves and each other?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Tracey Challenor 

Less judgment?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, definitely. Because we are all in this together and we are all muddling our way through. I think there is an advantage in social media and that it’s possible to find your tribe, your parenting tribe on social media. For some of us, I’m very grateful for my own community that was built around my work, but there’s a fabulous community of like-minded parents who acknowledge that we’re all just trying to do their best. And I think there’s value in that, but I think there’s also the main values in kindness and authenticity. And I think if we all just kind of jumped on that bandwagon, the world would be an easier place and parenting would be a much easier gig. There’s another thing that my children have taught me, which has also been really useful for me as a parent too. And at school, they have leant about F-learning, which is a great word, which is just mooshing together, the words failing and learning.

And at their school, they really embrace that learning happens in all sorts of ways. And mucking up and making mistakes is just one of those ways. And there’s no shame in that. There’s no reason to get stuck on mistake making. You just figure out what you can learn from it and move on. And I must say we do a lot of F-learning at home in all aspects of life, and it’s become a word that we all throw around the home. And I throw it around when it comes to parenting sometimes too. I’ll be like, I’m really sorry kiddo. I didn’t nail it yesterday. I wasn’t as present as I should have been because I was just too distracted by X, Y, Z. Let’s clock it up to F-learning. And I’m here now and I’m sorry, but I’m here now.

Tracey Challenor 

Yeah, that’s a great one. And I think our kids love it when we are real too. When we’re honest and authentic. It’s so important. So, we’ve talked about some of the reasons why, that contribute to burnout… $64,000 question. If a parent is experiencing physical or emotional exhaustion or both, or feeling overwhelmed with the role of being a parent, what are your top tips to deal with that and move from a state of burnout to a happier place?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

So, three tips, and I’d be stoked to get the $64,000 at the end of this if that’s alright. I feel like I’m the only contender in the studio right now.

Tracey Challenor

It’s yours.

Dr Kaylene Henderson

Would help with that financial pressure you mentioned earlier,

Tracey Challenor 

Wouldn’t it?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

First tip is if you’ve actually fallen in a heap, give yourself permission to hide under the doona and just figure out what your priorities are and just scale back your to-do list accordingly. We need to let go of this idea that we can do it all because we genuinely can’t. And you’re not a failure for not being able to do it all. It’s actually just that the expectations on us are impossible.

Tracey Challenor 

Well, we’re humans, aren’t we not superhumans?

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Yeah, exactly. The second thing is to really just focus on trying to be present wherever you are. So, if you are at work, focus on your work. Don’t worry about your kids while you’re at work. Just focus. Give your attention to your work. When you’re with your children, put your phone down and give your attention to your children. I do make a habit when my children start talking to me of physically putting my phone down because A, I don’t want to get distracted by its constant buzzing and beeping. But B, I also want to model for them that people trump phones any day of the week and they are more important to me and what they have to say to me, well, even though I haven’t heard it yet, I know it’s more important to me than whatever my phone could tell me. So being present is really important.

And I think when we are more present, we can focus on providing our children with what they really need from us, which is what I call that no-nonsense tenderness, that kind of balance of being in charge and keeping them safe, but also having fun with them, being silly with them being their go-to person when life gets overwhelming. We want to be able to provide that kind of, yeah, that no-nonsense tenderness that children need from us. And the third tip is really just about lowering the bar. Stick your presents up your shirt if you have to, embrace teamwork within your family and F-learning and celebrate being good enough because honestly, that is the best any of us could possibly do.

Tracey Challenor 

Yeah, good enough. Let’s get some T-shirts made – good enough parent.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

That’s right. Make them baggy so you can stick presents up underneath them. Exactly.

Tracey Challenor 

Exactly. And on the back, it can say F-learning.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Sounds good.

Tracey Challenor 

So, I feel like this is a really good time to recap. So along with what you were just saying then, the importance of finding time to rest and recharge, prioritise what’s important, avoid that awful comparison, trap and mindfulness. Try to be where you are and really enjoy and delight in your kids and you know, know that you are a great parent and doing a good enough job.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

And that is the best you could hope to do.

Tracey Challenor 

Absolutely. Kaylene, let’s hope parents everywhere are taking a collective sigh of relief and feeling a little bit more able to deal with the overwhelm and the burnout that can creep in even when you’re trying to be the best parent you can be. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and advice with us today. It’s been so lovely chatting with you.

Dr Kaylene Henderson 

Oh, it’s been a pleasure. Thanks, Tracey.

Tracey Challenor 

My guest on the Life Ed podcast was Dr. Kaylene Henderson, child and adolescent psychiatrist, parent expert, and educator. And if you’d like more information on Kaylene’s work, you can head to our website for bio and other details. For listeners in Queensland, go to life education qld.org au. And for listeners in other states, head to life ed.org au.

I’m Tracey Challenor. It’s been great to have you with us for the Life Ed podcast.