With the school year back in full swing after the bumpy ride of COVID, popular clinical psychologist and author Dr Judith Locke shares her strategies on how to help children reach their full potential at school.
Drawing on humorous anecdotes and her experience as a schoolteacher, counsellor, workplace trainer and sought-after psychologist, Dr Locke discusses some of the common pitfalls parents face when navigating the long school journey.
She says rather than expecting all children to be super achievers, parents should be more focused on building their child’s confidence and capability, with motivation, effort and ability often more important than the number of As on the report card.
Author of The Bonsai Child and The Bonsai Student, Judith talks about why parenting styles have changed, how to avoid over-parenting and the five essential skills your child needs at school and beyond – resilience, self-regulation, resourcefulness, respect and responsibility.
From dealing with separation anxiety to managing homework woes, and tips to handle bullying, you won’t want to miss this straight-forward advice from one of Australia’s leading experts on parenting, learning and school success.
Transcript
Tracey Challenor:
Welcome to the Life Education Parent Podcast. Life Education is Australia’s largest children’s health promotion charity, empowering kids to make safe and healthy choices. In this podcast, we speak to experts about the big issues facing parents today, seeking answers and advice to help you deal with some of the challenges of parenting in the 21st century.
Tracey Challenor:
Hello and welcome to another episode of the podcast, I’m your host Tracey Challenor. Well, the school year is underway much to the relief of many parents around the country. And after such a big year in 2020 with months of homeschooling and isolation, we’ve probably all seen a little more of our children than usual. And let’s be honest, most of us are pretty happy about the return to the normal school term.
Tracey Challenor:
Let’s hope this year progresses more smoothly but ensuring a successful year at school takes a little bit of parenting planning and strategy. Well, today it’s my pleasure to welcome back special guest Dr. Judith Locke, clinical psychologist, former teacher and school counsellor, and workplace trainer. You might’ve heard Judith’s name via her popular parenting column in News Corp papers, and she’s also the author of two books, The Bonsai Child, and The Bonsai Student. Hi Judith, to thank you for joining me.
Dr Judith Locke:
My pleasure, Tracey.
Tracey Challenor:
Well Judith, in The Bonsai Student, you write that parenting has changed radically in the past 50 years. I know that once upon a time it was about being firm, but fair, now we’re in an age of helicopter parenting or bonsai parenting. I wanted to start by asking you why have parenting styles changed so much, and what does that mean for kids?
Dr Judith Locke:
It’s an interesting area because in some ways it’s been the perfect storm of creating a different type of parenting. And while that’s been of great benefit, I do think parents are much more concerned about their child’s wellbeing and their moods and their getting through things okay, and things like that. But in some ways the sort of stuff that got started in about the 1970s and what is loosely described as the ‘California feel good movement’ and a real emphasis on self-esteem in children. They did some research where they looked at the link between self-esteem and a child doing well in life, so a lot of people concluded that self-esteem was the big thing that children needed to have – very, very good self-esteem.
Dr Judith Locke:
And unfortunately, good self-esteem isn’t really, the true definitions of it, it’s a very slow evolving process. Many parents started to do the shortcut to self-esteem and the easiest way to make somebody feel good about themselves right now is to praise them, to give them affection or to enable them to win in an event. And the thing is, as while that’s with good intentions, shortcuts to self-esteem only have short impacts. If a child does feel good just because they’re praised in the moment, well that’s only going to last as long as the praise rings in their ears, and then they’re going to need a bit more praise to keep feeling good.
Dr Judith Locke:
Whereas the better way to build it is by them slowly realising they can cope. They’re coming from a warm environment, but slowly realising they can cope with the ups and downs. Not only being used to happiness and success all the time, but having other experiences. Learning they can cope and then they’re not fearful of the future if they don’t win, or if they’re not… Tomorrow they might wake up a bit sad, but believing that they can cope with that is much more a way to build their self-esteem. And for those parents who are consistently making their child… giving them good feelings, they’re not really preparing them for the future.
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, disappointment is not the end of the world. Judith you’ve often emphasised in your talks and your writing and so on that, if we don’t want to create a bonsai child, one that requires perfect conditions in order to thrive, we really need to let kids embrace challenges and learn how to cope themselves. What would you say are the five essential skills for life, the five Rs that we should be aiming to develop in our children?
Dr Judith Locke:
They are resilient, the ability to face challenge, and the only reason you develop that is by actually facing challenges. Even if it’s minor challenge, like getting the cookie without the Smarties color that you wanted, and learning to cope with that, to the point of learning to cope when you don’t get on the A team of netball and things like that. So, it’s resilience, the second one is self-regulation. Self-regulation is the ability to stop current pleasure for future gain. For an adult, it’s getting ready the night before work so that you’re not running around in a mad rush the next morning, and you actually go better, or saving money for a house deposit. And in children, it’s doing your homework, even though you want to just play video games so that you don’t get in trouble at school tomorrow, or that you actually do what you need to do to understand the topics.
Dr Judith Locke:
The third one is resourcefulness, and it’s the ability to cope with sudden change and have the skills to pivot. And there’s that word that’s very much in the moment; we make a decision that enables you to stay in the current circumstances. So a resourcefulness might be knowing what to do if you forget your lunch for school that day, and being able to speak to a teacher or go to the canteen or something like that.
Dr Judith Locke:
The fourth one is actually respect, and it’s the respect for authority, of course, and listening to what they tell you to do, and a particularly adults who usually know better. And no, you can’t eat that ice cream for dinner and things like that. But it’s even beyond that, it’s actually respect for peers and respect for the rights of others, say to win the game or others to speak in a conversation a little bit, so then you speak a little bit. And the last one is responsibility. Responsibility is the ability to not only have respect for others, but work, do your best to actually improve the situation for others, from minor things like standing up on the bus to let an older person or a pregnant lady sit down, or doing chores around the house.
Tracey Challenor:
Those are things that are really a recipe for success for all of us, adults as well as children.
Dr Judith Locke:
Absolutely. It actually drives me crazy when parents who have got all of this success, primarily because of their resilience and their self-regulation, so working really hard to establish their business or to get that degree or to have a successful, loving relationship, hand everything to their child without their child working for it. And so, they’re not developing the very skills in their child that brought them success. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes an ideal childhood isn’t preparing their child. I know you’d love to have got a brand new car when you turned 18, but possibly getting that old, old, old Datsun was actually what made you hungry to work hard to get a better car in the future. So, we don’t know what we do when we just give everything to them.
Tracey Challenor:
No, hard work and effort equals reward. Judith, if there’s one word that sums up the school experience for most of us, it’s routine and establishing good routines and let’s face it, there are good days and bad, morning routines are probably the hardest for most parents. What are the top three things that you would recommend parents try to ease some of the typical before school hurdles that can lead to tears and meltdowns?
Dr Judith Locke:
I think it’s really important, the first one would be sticking to routine, making sure that routine never changes and then that’s always the same. That they get up, that they have their breakfast, that they put their uniform on. It just is absolutely unchanging. So, if that’s unchanging, then there’s less chance for the child to object to something. For a lot of kids, they love routine, they feel safer in routine. The second one would be to get them to do more for themselves. I think every single school year a parent should be finding things that their child now can do for themselves. Be it getting dressed, be it making their breakfast, be it even washing their uniforms and things like that. So, getting them to do more and more for themselves as they become older.
Dr Judith Locke:
But the other thing that’s really problematic for a lot of parents out there who have to drive their child to school on the way themselves to work, or their pilates class or whatever it is, is that it’s actually in the parent’s best interest to get their child ready to get in the car on time so the parent’s not late. But what I encourage in the book, parents to do, is actually turn that around and make it in the child’s best interest to be ready on time. That’s either not giving them a lift to the bus station if they’re old enough and can walk, but you’re doing them a favour. So, if they’re not ready at the car by a certain time, well you’re just not driving them and they have to walk to the bus station, or whatever it is. Or they actually get the consequence at school, so if you do drive them late, you allow them to have the experience.
Dr Judith Locke:
Now it’s a bit more complex for that than that, particularly for parents that have to drive their child the whole way to school. I go through different scenarios as to how to do it, but it’s got to be in your child’s best interest because they shouldn’t feel like they’re doing you a favor by getting ready for school.
Tracey Challenor:
No, they’ve got to be self-motivated.
Dr Judith Locke:
Yeah, absolutely.
Tracey Challenor:
Well, thousands of kids went back to school just recently. How would you recommend managing a child who’s particularly anxious about going to school? And even once the term is underway, still maybe struggling with the concept that school is non-negotiable until at least year 10, or 13 years if we go to year 12, how can parents soothe anxiety about having to go to school?
Dr Judith Locke:
Well, the big question I’d always ask is what is the child’s anxiety? What are they actually worried about at school? And one of the big things is for children, particularly children who’ve been very well catered to in the home and do get their way a little bit more, school is a little bit more challenging for them because they have to march to the beat of a different drum and not necessarily dictate the terms as much. For those children, I certainly don’t think schools need to cater to them more, much more I actually think the child needs to get used to not being in charge of the routines. Get the parents to embrace a little bit more unpredictability, but also the parents being a bit more in charge.
Dr Judith Locke:
For children who’ve got pervasive developmental disorders like autism, that’s slightly different. You do need to give them a much more predictable… But for the majority, they will be able to cope with change if you get them a little bit more experienced with change. The other thing I think really important is never to treat school as being a negotiable thing. We’re seeing a lot of school refusal now in children, and particularly after the pandemic and the lockdowns and things like that. I think when they start to think it’s optional and you allow them to stay home for any reason, just because they’re tired or something like that, you don’t really have a leg to stand on when they want to stay home and you say no, because in some ways you’ve dropped your standards previous to that. I think making it non-negotiable that it’s the law that they have to go to school, and not even entering into discussions or apologising to them for having to go to school. It’s just what they have to do.
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, that’s right. Well, one of the questions you’re most often asked when you present to schools is how to deal with a child who’s clinging to mum or dad in the car at school drop-off and doesn’t want to get out and go into school? A lot of that would come from fear and anxiety. How can parents minimize a situation like that?
Dr Judith Locke:
Well, I mean, I suppose that just depends too on what their fear is as to what’s not enabling them to go in. I think, depending on the situation, I mean sometimes it is good to go and speak to a professional. It’s always better that a parent speaks to the professional about like, “Here’s what’s happening,” so the professional gives the parent ways to manage the situation in a better way. And ways to respond to their child when they’re very hesitant to go in, and ways to talk it through with them so that they feel more confident to walk in. I’m really against parents sort of, “Oh, well, I’ll walk you straight to the classroom,” and things like that. It’s not a great idea for you to insert yourself too much into that experience because then they’re going to be clinging to that. Even if you do that at first, you have to have an exit plan for all of that, and not doing it.
Dr Judith Locke:
But I also think that sometimes, and daycare providers can certainly attest to this, often it’s a performance. When you drop them off at daycare and they’re, “I can’t live without you,” and things like that, and it is honestly a performance that goes from 8:20 to 8:25. As soon as you walk out of the room, they’re like, “Right, what’s next?”
Tracey Challenor:
Half an hour, they’re fine.
Dr Judith Locke:
And they’re consistently doing it because in some ways, if they’re like, “I’m going to miss you,” and you come back with great emotion, “I’m going to miss you too,” it just becomes this performance piece. So, I think you have to again, be a little bit matter of fact. You know that they’re in no harm, you know that them doing it’s going to be okay and there’s nothing bad that’s going to happen to them. So, I think often you let them know how safe the environment is and you let them know your comfort at separation, which makes them more comfortable. But any bigger issues, definitely consult a professional.
Tracey Challenor:
In your experience, does that reluctance to go to school usually settle down after a couple of months, like by term two they’re usually okay?
Dr Judith Locke:
They usually are, but it’s funny, every now and then little things will happen that will actually bring that on again. Like the birth of a new sibling or something like that might have them regress a little bit, or after maybe have been ill for a week and then it might flare up again. Generally, it does drop down, but life circumstances can sometimes… And look, one thing that’s really… A child’s wellbeing is very much dictated by the parent’s wellbeing. So, if you’re in a stressful period at work or something like that, they might become a little bit clingier because they’re very much seeing that stress in you. And inadvertently you’re signaling to them that there’s danger so they might get a little bit worried about things.
Tracey Challenor:
Upsets the balance a bit. Even though you were teacher before you became a psychologist, it must be interesting having that insight into both worlds. You always remind parents that doing well at school is certainly not everything. It’s important to encourage kids, but too much pressure to achieve can be damaging, can’t it?
Dr Judith Locke:
Yes, and it’s interesting because I talk very much in the book about the damage of extreme praise. And I know that parents think that this extreme praise is going to make a child more confident, but if it’s before their first day of school or before they’re about to do the NAPLAN exams or something like that, and you’re praising them in a manner you think you’re building their confidence, but you’re saying to them things like, “It’s going to be okay, you’re going to do really well. You’re going to have heaps of friends. You’re going to sit down and the questions are going to be easy.” You’re actually predicting an outcome that you’re not actually sure is going to happen, so you’re giving them confidence, but it’s a false confidence. I think it’s really important to encourage them, but not so much with extreme praise.
Dr Judith Locke:
I think it’s really important too, to think that you are developing much more in their schooling than just results. Effort doesn’t guarantee results, parents can’t guarantee results, even ability in children doesn’t necessarily guarantee results. It’s a combination of factors, and some kids over the years, and I found this particularly when I was teaching, sometimes they’re doing a little worse than the class average, then they’re doing a little bit better. Or they’re doing much better and then the rest of their classmates catch up with them and things like that. So, I wouldn’t put too much store in results, as much as I put into the effort category in the report card, and their approach to learning and their motivation and things like that.
Dr Judith Locke:
It’s certainly you’re getting more out of schooling than results. Some of the saddest cases I saw were parents who, by virtue of paying for education, thought that that would guarantee results. And for a child who’s a solid B to be told that anything but an A is not good enough, is really damaging on their self-esteem and their sense of being good enough.
Tracey Challenor:
Absolutely. You tell that story in the book, don’t you, about a parent-teacher interview situation where a father was saying to you, “Well, why is she not getting an A? And what am I getting for my money?” Even though the student was doing really very well.
Dr Judith Locke:
Yeah, and look very well for their ability too. Teachers are quite good at picking up ability. We don’t talk about it as much, unless you’re an educational psychologist that has done a formal further testing, but you are picking up what they’re picking up in class, so you know when they’re working to the best of their ability. What was devastating about that particular teacher interview is that they would not see the other good qualities in their child, they were only focused on results. And yeah, I think the happiest people in Australia aren’t necessarily the smartest ones, or the ones that got the best ATAR scores. There’s so much else to satisfaction and happiness than just school results, and you forget it five minutes after you’ve left school, really.
Tracey Challenor:
That’s for sure.
Dr Judith Locke:
And anyone who’s still talking about their ATAR score it’s truly sad.
Tracey Challenor:
It was TE when I was at school, that’s how old I am.
Dr Judith Locke:
Yeah, that’s how old I am, too.
Tracey Challenor:
In recent years, we have been hearing a lot about the pressure and the scrutiny, and the expectation that teachers are under. I just take my hat off to teachers. I know that you even treat teachers nowadays for anxiety because of some of these pressures. How can parents work successfully with educators to support the work they’re doing, but not overstep the mark, and I guess avoid becoming one of those dreaded helicopter parents?
Dr Judith Locke:
There is a value to a firmness in a teacher and I think it’s important for parents to accept that as being important for the long-term growth of the child. The other thing too, I think that’s really important, is to never underestimate a teacher’s desire for long-term benefit on a student. It’s much easier as a teacher to give a consequence to a child who hasn’t done their homework, than it would be to give it to your child if they were in your class.
Dr Judith Locke:
That objectivity of teachers is incredibly beneficial and so it’s really important to trust that teachers are always doing the best thing for your child in the long term. Of course, there will be incidents where you have to speak to teachers. But I think coming from a position of trust at first and just keeping your eye on things, is much better than looking to evaluate a teacher on a daily basis, because I think that’s a disaster.
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, let’s talk about homework and assignments because that can be a big source of stress in many homes. I nicknamed one of my children Last Minute Larry, because he was always the one that started his assignment the night before. Situations like that do have a way of becoming everyone’s problem. How can we make children more organised?
Dr Judith Locke:
Well, I think the big thing for primary school is routines over reminders. So again, as I spoke about with the morning routine, the afternoon routine has to have a routine in that they come home, have a snack, start their homework, and it’s only after their homework that they can watch TV or play games. That becomes incredibly important – routine, routine. And not reminders, “Get your homework done. You haven’t done your homework. How many times do I have to tell you to do your homework?” That sort of thing should go out, so, really it’s in their best interest to do their homework to be able to do the fun stuff they want to do, even if it’s playing outside or something like that.
Dr Judith Locke:
But there’s an age that they get to when I think parents should not necessarily be reminding their child of their homework, particularly in the upper primary years and definitely in their high school years, because the schools usually give a very good consequences if the child doesn’t do their homework. Now, they won’t be nabbed every time, but they’ll be nabbed every now and then. It’s kind of like speeding fines, just the threat of getting a detention tomorrow for not doing your homework is usually enough to deter you from actually doing the wrong thing.
Dr Judith Locke:
But the worst thing I find, and because schools have a no surprises policy now where they deliberate… Like if a child’s not doing their homework, often, they speak to the parent first before they speak to the child and they’ll ring up the parent and say, “Look, Larry’s not doing his homework,” and the parent then, “Oh, I’ve got to remind him more. And how dare you? You better do your homework,” and things like that, which is not right. I actually suggest to parents what they need to do is actually say to the school, “Thanks very much. Thanks very much for letting me know that. I appreciate it. I give you full permission to do as you see fit. [crosstalk 00:21:45] If you want to give them detention, go for it.”
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, they have to learn the consequences.
Dr Judith Locke:
So, I just think, let them. But the other thing too is don’t let the child, “Aah, [inaudible 00:21:55] an assignment due tomorrow,” don’t let that impact on the family.
Tracey Challenor:
Judith, as a society, we were talking about this before, we can get so hung up on academic and sporting results. I mean, the media makes such a hoo-ha over the ATAR scores every year. And they always seem to focus on the kids who get the highest marks and go to the best schools. I mean, it’s nice to encourage kids to strive for excellence, but as we’ve said, there’s way more to a successful school life than being a straight A student or the track star. What are some of the other measures of success that we should be applying?
Dr Judith Locke:
Well, the key elements I believe in terms of success are three things. A child will only be successful if they have these three things. The first one, and what I think is probably the most important, is motivation. You need to have a child motivated to do well at school. And the trouble is, is if the parent is more motivated than the child, the child usually is less motivated. Because a parent’s eagerness for a child to do well probably will dominate the child to a point that a child gets a bit shruggy about it all. In the same way that if you are more motivated for your partner to take out the garbage, you’ll be reminding them all the time and it’ll start to become your thing rather than their thing.
Dr Judith Locke:
The second thing that’s really important is the effort that they’re putting in. You’ve got to make sure that that effort is warranted because a lot of them put extreme effort into things, but it’s into the wrong thing. So, it’s putting all their effort into their title page when their title page is not even marked. It’s like one point out of 20, so you’ve got to make sure. And you’ve also got to make sure their effort is genuine and it’s not half homework, half checking social media, or doing silly things like just downloading articles, but not actually reading them.
Dr Judith Locke:
The third thing is actually ability. And look, I know that parents often say that ability is the key thing. If they have got ability, then they should do well at school, and that’s all that is warranted. Whereas I would argue often a child who has got great ability, but very low motivation even if you push, push, push them in the early days to get their homework done and do everything, eventually when you stop pushing, they’re going to drop out, drop out of uni, not have that hunger and motivation to do well. I think you’ve got to allow them to accept the consequences of their motivation and effort, to actually kick in their motivation. Dignity alone sometimes has them trying harder because they don’t want to get a C again, or they don’t want to not get the award.
Dr Judith Locke:
The other thing, because you mention awards, that’s really important to mention too, is so many parents are caught up on the idea that their child doesn’t get any awards. They’re just moseying along school and they’re not getting any awards. I’ve even heard of parents pulling their child out of a large school to go into a smaller school where they’ll get more awards.
Tracey Challenor:
Oh really?
Dr Judith Locke:
Look to a certain degree, I think the size of the pond will impact the amount of awards your child gets. It will and I do think schools have probably increased their awards over their years to appease parents and children who are looking for awards. But the thing is, is when was the last time any of us won an award in our work life? When was the last time our manager came over to us and said, “My goodness, you were amazing today, do you know? I can’t wait to see your performance tomorrow.” These things are not happening regularly and I notice that a lot of my students who are university students, who are very used to getting that reward, they lack motivation-
Tracey Challenor:
Validation.
Dr Judith Locke:
… all the time. They’re expecting you to tell them nice things all the time, but nice things won’t change their performance. It’s an acknowledgement, but it won’t change… If they’re making a mistake, there is no way you can phrase it in a way that’s praising. You’ve got to actually say, “No, that wasn’t correct.” You’ve got to give them constructive criticism. And I think for a child just moseying along, that’s fine. I don’t see there’s anything wrong with that. I think that’s okay because that’s preparing them for life. I think it’s actually problematic if you’ve just won awards all the way through school and real-life hits you, that’s going to be hard. It’s really going to be difficult for them, so I think getting them used to that, okay, it’s not the end of the world.
Tracey Challenor:
And there are plenty of kids who didn’t win awards at school, and maybe didn’t get the best ATAR, but who go on to do amazing things with their life.
Dr Judith Locke:
Oh, absolutely. One of the most hopeless students I ever had, and I won’t say where, is now very well-known in Australia for his particular skill. Every time I look at him, I think I used to look at you in classroom thinking, “You are going nowhere,” and yet you ended up somewhere. You never know, the superstars don’t end up superstars, the non-superstars sometimes do. If anything, it actually takes the pressure off them.
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, that’s right. It all evens out in the end, doesn’t it?
Dr Judith Locke:
Yeah.
Tracey Challenor:
Judith, let’s just talk briefly about friendships because friendships are really one of the keys to kids enjoying school, having great groups of friends. We know though that one in four children experiences bullying at some time.. How do parents identify firstly, if it is bullying and if it is, determine the best way to deal with it?
Dr Judith Locke:
For it to be considered bullying, it has to be made up of three things. It has to be deliberate. We have to know that the other child intended to have a negative impact on the person. There has to be a power imbalance, so it’s either like say for example a group of very popular kids picking on a child that doesn’t have as much high popularity as they do. But the other thing is it has to be repeated over and over. So many years ago, I remember a teacher telling me this story, that a parent had said that their child was bullied yesterday because one child told them that I didn’t run as fast as they did, and the parent was saying, “This is cruel,” whereas I would argue, well it’s a statement of fact if that’s the case, but they’re not deliberately making them feel bad. It’s not repeated. It’s just something that’s said.
Dr Judith Locke:
And I would argue that in situations like that, children need to learn to cope when they do get the truth, you know?
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah, [crosstalk 00:28:34] a one-off incident is a bit different to a sustained bullying-
Dr Judith Locke:
Yes, it was just a one-off incident, but if it’s regular, regular, if the child is very upset and cannot cope with it, then definitely. I mean, I would prefer older children to speak themselves to someone at the school, be it a teacher or be at a school counsellor or something to get some advice on it. But for younger, and parents can coach them how to have that conversation but I do think it is important to address it, address it early and give them a technique to either directly address it or to cope with it.
Dr Judith Locke:
There’s also a challenge too, you’ve just got to make sure your child is trying to be friends with the right group. And what I find often is that very shy kids go for the most popular kid in the class to be their friend. It’s almost like if I ever entered the dating game again, I’d want to date George Clooney, that’s my goal. So, you go too high, you think you’re going to get so many goal points out of it, and the trouble is for, kids to want to be friends with the really popular kids, that is a tough crowd. If they don’t get the message, those tough… They’re more mature, they’re probably… all of that sort of thing, they’re a little bit older.
Tracey Challenor:
Very confident.
Dr Judith Locke:
What happens is they’re trying to get into their group. That group has gone, “Don’t play with us because you’re not like…” and that child is really taking it as rejection, but they’re playing with fire with that, because they’re a tough crowd. My fear every night is who’s George meeting now? Do you know? Like that sort of thing would be so extreme that it wouldn’t promote wellbeing so I’m also very much about deliberately choosing good people to be friends with, do you know?
Dr Judith Locke:
Nice people, and parents talking to kids about good choices in friendships and friends who have your back. And not that sort of… because so many kids are involved with drama, drama, drama all the time and, “I’m your best friend now, and now I’m not your friend. And now I am your friend,” and things like that. And your child can get very caught up in that so it’s good for parents to educate kids on what a good friendship is.
Tracey Challenor:
It’s good for kids to have a variety of friends. You also talk about how parents shouldn’t get too hung up about their child having their best friend in their class year after year, because those friendships can change. And it’s good to meet new people and build new relationships.
Dr Judith Locke:
Well, as many listeners will know, you go on a trip through Europe with your husband or your best friend, you actually don’t meet as many other people. So, you do need to be open to meeting other kids in the class and forming other friendships and that, because you’re not going to be with your best friend for the rest of your life. And it’s just important for you to learn those social skills about being able to cope without them by your side all the time.
Tracey Challenor:
Yeah. Well, in life we have to work with lots of different personalities, don’t we, as we go through life’s journey? Judith, if parents could do just one thing to ensure that their child has a successful school journey, the key message that comes out of your book is that we need to allow kids, for the most part, to find their way without stepping into solve every problem for them, so let them spread their wings a bit. What advice would you give to parents, maybe those that are just starting the school journey with some little people, what advice would you have for them?
Dr Judith Locke:
I think it’s really important to remember that schools, just as an institution and the things that occur with them, they naturally build essential skills in children, such as resilience and self-regulation. But they only build those skills if a parent allows them to experience normal school life, such as attending and participating in every… like swimming carnival and things like that. Or a parent allows them to experience the ups and downs and helps them cope with not getting class captain or not getting on the Maths team or something like that. Winning at some things, losing at others, whatever, and they’re also experiencing the consequences of their choices.
Dr Judith Locke:
And the big thing, and of course I’m biased, but I see one of the main benefits of the book is really clearly laying out for parents what they should be doing in terms of preparing a child for school and preparing the right environment for them to be successful at school. But also really detailed what they can leave to the teacher, that they don’t need to worry about. They just leave that in the teacher’s court, leave that in the school’s court, but also what they can leave to their child. Okay, this is what you can do. This is what you’re doing. I’m not reminding you about your homework during year nine. Do you know, I’m not going to do that anymore. I think that’s really important.
Dr Judith Locke:
The big thing is parent involvement is not good or bad with a child’s schooling, it’s much more complex than that. But what I have aimed to do in book, is explain to parents what is helpful involvement and what is what is unhelpful involvement. And really seeing school as not just school, but school that’s setting them up for the rest of their life. And making sure that school experience truly sets them up for the years beyond school, because face it, they’re facing a lot more years beyond school than actually school.
Tracey Challenor:
So, by all means be supportive, but don’t feel you have to smooth out every single bump, otherwise you end up with a bonsai child.
Dr Judith Locke:
Well yeah, and also, years ago I treated the parent of a 45-year-old man who was still having parenting problems with their 45-year-old son. You don’t want to be feeding the bonsai 45-year-old child.
Tracey Challenor:
No, she needed your book.
Dr Judith Locke:
So, you really do, you’re setting up the future. You’re setting up everything here. And yeah, I really think just making them capable and resilient and things like that, the most important thing.
Tracey Challenor:
That’s the name of the game. Judith, great to have you on the Life Education podcast again. You get such amazing feedback, I know, from schools all over Australia, so thanks for helping our parent audience today with such great advice to help kids enjoy the school year.
Dr Judith Locke:
Thanks, Tracey. My pleasure.
Tracey Challenor:
Lovely to chat to you. I’ve been talking with clinical psychologist, researcher and former teacher, Dr. Judith Locke. If you’d like more info on some of the parenting strategies we discussed today, you can find links to Judith’s great new book, The Bonsai Student, as well as our blog content, on the Life education website. Hope that your family’s 2021 school journey is off to a smooth start. To hear our other podcasts, go to the Life Education website, or you can find us on your favourite podcast platforms. I’m Tracey Challenor, until next time. Thanks for joining us.
